my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
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If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”