[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
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He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
every. time.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
when there are deer in the woods
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!