Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
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Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
felt that
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…