If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.