Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
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Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
As the Lord intended
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.