Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.