I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
so much to do
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste