The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
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if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
i think both sides are to blame here
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.