date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Lucky old June.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.