when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
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A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts