A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
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Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to