[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.