This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
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Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47