From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.