If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Hank is one in a melon.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.