Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
The police never think its as funny as you do.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My blood type is coffee.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
checking out some reviews of my local library
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
getting groceries
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”