The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
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I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.