Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
You Might Also Like
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.