Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Said the murderer.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.