I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.