People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
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I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.