Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
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Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Friday night party time 🥳
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?