I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
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A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17