Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
wtf is a larm clock?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.