If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
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I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.