Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders