Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
You Might Also Like
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.