i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
You Might Also Like
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Cake!!
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
fair
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…