mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
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REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*