me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.