[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
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Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed