My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.