If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
just having fun
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
This probably isn’t good
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
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