prepare for carbonated trouble
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Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.