Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
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Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Mood.. 😂
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
getting corrected
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.