Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
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Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺