There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Happy birthday to all the women
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Follow me for more life hacks.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.