If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.