Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
You Might Also Like
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen