Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
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Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready