Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
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[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!