Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
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I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”