where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
These aliens are taking forever.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life