I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
You Might Also Like
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?