“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
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She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I unironically love this joke.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not