I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
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Is….Is this an option?
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”