Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
You Might Also Like
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.