*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
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I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i鈥檒l have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don鈥檛 have lobster
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
馃ぃ
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
What鈥檚 the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.