Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
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Monica just destroyed the internet
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.