DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Nice try Hitler
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.